When there is still so much to say, knowing where to start is an impossible task. Maybe I should start in the middle and see where that takes me
In the middle, I fell to bits!
My identity shattered into a million pieces and my brain associated you with at least half of those pieces
I fucked up
I did good
I wanted you so much more than I first realised, but she complicated things
She always complicated things, but when I started seeing her where she didn’t exist, I should have stopped and considered the reasons for the delusions and delirium, but I didn’t
It’s never been safe to love you in the active sense, in the ‘now’s’ of yesteryear or today
I can’t believe I wasted my love so often and so ‘epically’ in my youth
By the time I met you, the damage to my heart was done. I could not trust you no matter how much I wanted to Read the rest of this entry
Dear best friend and worst enemy,
Someone asked me about you last week. About what you do for me and what exactly our relationship to each other is. Whilst you remain indifferent, incapable of caring about which one of us randomer’s uses you; I am somewhat more attached to us and our rendezvous’… Firstly, it was just me and you back when my life was nothing more than a living breathing nightmare, straight from the fiery pits of hell, and worthy of a thousand great horror stories. Me and you. You were the only vehicle capable of taking me between 2 worlds and back to this one again. It was me and you here when all those miracles occurred in front of my eyes, no denying them, or their pure unadulterated life changing essence. You were there when I was too shy to show my other best friends who I had become.
Now I have no idea who I am anymore; so your filling the gap between self acceptance and self-expression until further notice or further bravery, whichever comes first.
Back then, You were there when I couldn’t lift my head up off the arm of the chair; when the only time I moved was to go to the loo. When I was so depressed it was an effort to breathe and a daily battle with suicidal fantasies. Yes. Fantasies. I wanted nothing more than to die back then. Read the rest of this entry
What are life’s biggest universal lessons from the age of 0 – 20 years old?
Pessimist – To learn how to become mildly tolerable to other humans, whilst maintaining the wholly narcissistic qualities we were all born with. Perfecting selfish methods to get whatever self-serving gift we want, whilst life throws crap at us. Crap after crap after more crap that is
Realist – To learn how to speak, think, act and do a variety of tasks; guided by parents, leaders and teachers who hope we will leave school as an independent and reliable ‘social skivvy’s/Capitalist servant’…
Jolly-ist – The wonder years…No responsibilities, our ‘free-est’ time, school days are the best days of your life etc. Childhood is when and where we see the world with beauty, innocence, laughter and love. And the world gives us beauty, innocence, laughter and love back (and a few lessons)
How about years 20 – 30?
Pessimist – 10 years of chasing love with all the wrong people, overcoming the addiction of dating monsters for the drama addiction. Realising the true hell of working 40 hours a week in a job you despise. Learning that there are a very limited number of positions in society that allow true happiness to flourish. Destroy approx 50% of one’s brain cells, consuming copious amounts of drugs/alcohol and fags Read the rest of this entry
They sat in English class together, paying no attention to the teachers speech, nor to ‘Of Mice and Men’. They were gassing like their lives depended on it!
“What is blue like?” she asked
“Blue is running as fast as you can into the waves, it is diving head first into the rushing sea. Blue is freezing cold lips that come from a night out in the snow, or from sucking an ice lolly hard and fast.”
“White is the colour of innocence. White is unusual, as it holds all the other colours within it, yet it is almost colorless in appearance. White is a newly fitted, pristine kitchen with a fridge, freezer, washing machine and dishwasher. White is cotton wool, and the grainy texture of the chalk they use for writing on a blackboard”
“Red? What is red like?”
“Red is a boiling hot camp fire on a winter’s night. Red is the colour of passion and of angst. Red is a racy looking lady on a saturday night up town. Red is all lips and kisses. Water is see through and blood is red. When you feel the slight thickness of blood against water, you feel red”
“What are you like?” she asked…smiling
“When I’m being categorised according to my skin colour, I am white, but not like the white I described. I am actually a peachy pinky beige if we’re gonna get a little detailed about it :)” Read the rest of this entry
Here is a video of one of my amazing pussy cats (Mr Shamone) helping himself to my cup of tea! His paw action may well be the cutest thing I’ve seen this decade!
Don’t miss the little treasure!
How bloody cute is my thirsty little fella?
As I state in the video…Them boys could get away with blue murder! :)
I learnt this bit of trivia at school (Oooooo but it’s so not ‘just’ trivia now). For every calendar year that passes, a tree makes a ring of age (distinguishable by its unique colour), and it follows exactly the same year that we adhere to. Each ring represents another year of its life
365 days is what we humans decided to call a year (or so we think) and this is apparently because it takes 365 days for the sun and the earth to do one lap around each other (whichever way round that works ;))
Well well well…I’m sure this scientifically advanced piece of knowledge was not available to us back in the day when a year was ‘invented’
NOw for trippy point 2…This 365 days seems to have stemmed from lunar/solar cycles and must have held some weight for a year to be what it is. A universal scientific measurement of time passed that controls much of our life in terms of measurement (decades, university years, the new tax year, new years resolutions, once a month commitments…all expressions of the year or sections of it)
If we are not all connected, how does a nature driven organism (a tree, fed by the earth, rained on for growth, rooted in the ground, dictated by seasons ) somehow become aware of its passing of time, from 1 year to the next? Read the rest of this entry
Hilary is playing sudoku in the green room
Edith has a budgie who swears like a navvy
Ron has severe amnesia, Julie is his carer, and just reminded him of their trip to the supermarket that morning
Fill in the blanks
Ron has proposed to the budgie _ times
Hilary has two 9’s in one row. How much was the book to buy _
Does Edith use Wiltshire farm foods. If yes, how often? _
(Chortle Chortle :))
You are wise and loving, gentle and tender
You took my will, and said “I will bend her”
You turned me into a blade of grass
Pushed that through concrete to prove I can last
Not for the purpose of others, no matter who
This journey has been about just me and You
My best friend, my beloved, my forever protector
Illuminating wisdom on our virtual projector
Leading me or leaving me up front, balanced to perfection
Sometimes you took the blow first, softened the rejection Read the rest of this entry
Sooooo…The people have overthrown the government and each community has been given a portion of the pot of gold (or tax)…The portion is directly related to a) Catchment area b) Last years budget and c) the number of people in the area who are able to pay tax and those who are not (babies, under 16’s, the disabled, the unemployed, the elderly)
Each community is now responsible for their own pot…If we did Norwich, we would have 18.5 million to divvy about…
It also means keeping it ‘topped up’ so it can fund schooling, education, health services and other public services such as recycling, waste control, lighting etc, plus whatever your community decides is worthwhile
20 People from each community will be nominated by their fellow community members, as representatives for all of the services. They will be nominated on the following criteria
3. Champion of equality
4. Possess Integrity (honesty and with a moral compass)
5. Mercy oriented
6. Described as a Good Person
7. Knows Ethics (stems naturally from equality)
Once these people have been nominated and selected, (by the whole community) they will form the ‘Community Leadership Group’ Read the rest of this entry
I don’t know why I h
ate dislike the word success so much
Except I do
1) I think someone’s trying to tell me that, sooner or later, I/we will be ‘good’ enough to achieve success, and I automatically presume it is meant in the British sense, work work work, get a career, find a mate, have kids etc
2) My idea of success is not inline with the mainstream idea. Success to me is about who I am as a person, and how I am doing at ‘being’ (as in, to just ‘be’ me)
3) I realise that someone probably wrote that piece about success, due to their own ideas about what that is and how best to help someone achieve it. Then I’m torn between posting this moan insert and possibly pooping on some other blogger that has mentioned success today… (sorry dear blogger if this is the case) and being true to my blogs purpose, which is to express myself (and I also sometimes hope to inspire others when I’m not moaning)
BUT… Read the rest of this entry
Anyone who knows me well will not hesitate to confirm that I am a die-hard hater of exercise
1. I hate sweating
2. Due to a damaged nervous system, I sweat profusely from one side of my body only (having 2 sweaty pits looks like you’ve worked hard…One sweaty pit and you look like a freak, added to this, is the right side of my back being soaked whilst the left stays dry. I’m proper self-conscious about it
3. I don’t dig physical exertion at all
4. When you hate something, the brain is not clever enough to know you (apparently) secretly love it (as experts will have you believe). When your conscious thoughts about it are wholly negative, I believe the apparent endorphin rush expected during or after exercise is an alien concept. Feel good chemicals need feel good vibes
5. I always have something better to do when exercise is offered as the only other alternative Read the rest of this entry
Spirituality is one of those words associated with sooooo many different ideas right?..The familiar ones include the practice of meditation, prayer, and surrounding one’s self with nature…On I could go
My Dad is a really spiritual guy so I grew up with more of an idea than most, as to what spirituality means; but my relationship with it was transformed when I felt and experienced a delivery of love into my heart. Truly life changing love…God’s Love
My Spiritual attitude is ever evolving; as I grow I’m sure it will continue to change well into the future. This is where I’m currently at in my outlooks and ideas about what everyday spirituality means for me
1. My mentality (to a large extent) is ‘Live and let live’…Basically, I believe we are all on our own paths, and only God and I know me, and the same goes for everyone else…Only God and you know you. You are the only one who can influence your path. It is not up to me to interfere with the spiritual journey of another, unless invited
2. I am learning to tell the truth when I most want to lie. This helps me to show those around me who I am, even though I bloody despise doing this when my self-expression is negative. But, when I do it, I honor my own worth and boundaries, not to mention my dysfunctional idiosyncracies (love thyself, poop bits included)
3. I proper try (and often succeed) in being non-judgemental (Again, my Dad talked about this a lot when we were little) Read the rest of this entry
I have discovered a little way of lightening the mental load
Make your self a feel good songs list on YouTube
(I read this week that people who listen to love songs take TEN times longer to get over a relationship, than those who don’t listen to mushy love stuff! SO with that knowledge under my belt, I began my quest for songs that don’t remind me of romantic love)
I have scoured the net looking for the ‘best 80’s and 90’s classics’, as well as the best reggae tunes ever
The rule is…If I start feeling blue whilst it is playing, I stop it…
Reason being…not to infect the list with my bad mood, and to do so before my brain associates the song with any sort of sadness
If I had any idea how to, I’d direct you to my own list, but as I’m a YouTube account moron, I’m afraid you’ll have to make your own list :)
I hope it works for you :)
It makes me less blue; may that work for you too (should you be blue!)
Luv Dawny :) xxx
I knew the gift of grace in entirety, long before I knew its various definitions
I just googled it out of curiosity and found many different descriptions, words, synonyms, life stories etc
Grace came to me when I couldn’t see anything but hate
It was a dark time…An unbearable time in my life, of sickness and distress so alarming, I was totally overwhelmed and all I wanted, was to die
The awakening and entry of more love in my heart, as a gift from god, allowed me to ‘wish the best’ for my enemies!!! (Truly)
Grace allowed me to see their perspective and reasons, or at least, recognise that they had their own story, just like me and you and everyone else
It dissolved my jealous outlook on a particular situation, into something unrecognisable
Grace says ‘DO your thang, whatever that is, I personally ‘send you my best/good luck/peace vibes’ Read the rest of this entry
As life ages me, it takes me longer and longer to answer a question and usually, 3 days later, I’m running through my head the actual answer…as in…the full comprehensive and specific description
So, in reality, this adds up to someone asking me a question and I either answer in a socially acceptable time frame with an incoherent less than poor attempt to explain whatever it is I’ve been asked about… or I leave the situation with the question hanging in the air and 3 days later I contact the questioner and say…I’m ready to answer your question now!
Either response is less than helpful to both asker and answerer!
More weird to add to my pile of oh too large amounts of weirdness
I may tell you my name, I will more than likely tell you about some of the ‘tragic comedic experiences’ of my life. I will tell you about the places I’ve lived and the jobs I’ve had. I’ll (maybe) tell you a little about my brain. I may even tell you about one or two of the people I’ve loved. But, dear stranger, I will never tell you this…
One day I had my heart-broken, in the most dazzlingly extreme, life shattering way that a heart can be broken. I won’t tell you what happened after either, because you wouldn’t believe it…I survived. Just. I really don’t wanna tell you the next thing.
I will never give anyone my heart again. Read the rest of this entry
Is there such a thing as a positive cynic
I’ve just looked Cynic up in the dictionary and it is someone who thinks the worst about people or outcome of events
I do this…
And then follow up with a belief/thought that everything will be alright in the end
Anyone else have this odd outlook?
That’s all I have to say about that, I’m off to read away to my hearts content. God bless the writers on tut internet!
Life is everything. Be prepared for ecstasy, joy, delight, love, hate, depression, sadness, loss and death. It’s not only how we entwine with these experiences that shapes us, it’s also how we travel from one to the other, that makes us.
**** Read the rest of this entry
In the quest to cheer the fooook up before I keel over….I have, on numerous occasions, written lists of all my blessings and I have to say; I’m lucky to have a pretty long list. However, I don’t think a name/one word summary does many favours to covey the richness and depth of goodness, that some of the people and things on my list, bring to my life.
The trouble with lists :- When I read the list back to myself, I can’t help but feel like, the act of ‘blessing the blessings’ (giving them the level of appreciation they deserve and hold), gets minimized and becomes almost mechanical. FEELING gratitude rather than NOTING gratitude, make for 2 very different states of mind
Sooooo, ramble ramble, the long and short of it is – I am going to try to capture the essence of the people and circumstances on my list, one at a time…I am going to savour slowly, all that I have, by really digging down into each separate person or place, noting their qualities, our experiences, our memories, and anything else that I associate with the people on my list
Read the rest of this entry
What I never talk straight about
Basically, my mental health has deteriorated to the point of complete ‘stoppage’ in all areas of my life. I’ve been living in my arm-chair for as long back as I can remember
Most days, I can’t even summon the will to bathe and brush my teeth
Sooooo…I’ve been fighting against the tide of my mental illnesses for nearly ten years and I’ve finally given up
Literally, physically, and psychologically…I’m fucked, tired, confused, astounded, grateful, defensive, paranoid, scared and my heart hurts
But this giving up thing only feels bad when I have an idea or a longing for something in my future, then I remind myself…’Dawn, you’ve given up, stop thinking about all that crap’ Read the rest of this entry